just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
