I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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