Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
