you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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