he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
