New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
