I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
