Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
