i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's never too late to be topless.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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