Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
