dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
