right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
