Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
