I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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