Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize