Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
