god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize