i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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