I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
