All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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