The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
