he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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