wanna go halves on a baby?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You made out with two different species that night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
