I wish I could punch you in the face.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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