My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
