we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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