I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
