I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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