I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
