Yo dont text me then not text me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
