Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
