what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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