If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
