I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
