in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
