One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
