and you said cock pushups were impossible
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize