why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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