Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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