You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize