That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
