Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
