Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ttyl tear gas
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
