I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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