Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
