I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
