the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
