i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
