P.S. I can't hear my feet
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
