After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I have post one night stand depression
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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