My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
