is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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