Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
