Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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