Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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