I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
