does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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