Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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