he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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