My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
