Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
