i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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