lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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